Troubleshooting Orgasm Problems (Part One)Feb 09, 2021
Orgasm is a reflex response to a sustained high level of arousal. Many different kinds of stimulation can lead to orgasm; whether you’re talking about an orgasm from direct stimulation of erectile tissue, or a “g-spot orgasm,” or a “braingasm,” that definition binds them all together. That means that you have two strategies you might use to increase orgasmic response: increasing arousal, or improving the ability to sustain arousal. For best results, you’ll probably want to explore both.
Strategy One: Increasing Arousal
To increase arousal, look at adding more stimulation or different kinds of stimulation. Consider, say, a cis male client who experiences “delayed ejaculation” in partnered sex–in other words, he doesn’t reach orgasm as quickly as he would like to. Using a hand or adding oral stimulation is likely to provide more stimulation than penetration alone. You can also fold in other sensual experiences, like stimulating other parts of the body, talking dirty, looking at something sexy, or playing with fantasies. Think about adding multiple senses (touch, sound, imagination), multiple types of touch (soft, firm, light, vibrating) and multiple areas of the body (inner elbow, vulva, prostate, lips).
I find it much more useful to make my focus be helping people attain as much pleasure and connection as possible, rather than helping them figure out how to achieve orgasm in the “right way” or at the “right tempo” (because there is no “right way,” nor is there a right amount of time to get there)!
Generally speaking, people have one or two pathways to orgasm that have been strengthened by repeated practice, and they will have a much easier time reaching orgasm through those familiar pathways. For our hypothetical client who doesn’t reach orgasm as quickly as he would like to, perhaps he has a frequently-used pathway to orgasm that is derived from his self-pleasure style, and the way that he’s having partnered sex does not provide the same kind stimulation. The quickest and easiest way to help is simply to normalize building in some of the same kind of stimulation that easily brings him to orgasm into his partnered sex routine. There’s really nothing wrong with touching yourself in order to reach orgasm when you’re with your partner!
You can help quite a bit by simply normalizing your client’s orgasmic pathway and helping them develop a little more flexibility and openness to incorporating different kinds of stimulation into their partnered sexual patterns. The prescription here is to be creative and open-minded, and get outside of rigid ideas about what partner sex should and shouldn’t include.
On the other hand, it’s always good to have multiple routes to orgasm, since it allows for more flexibility if one of your well-practiced pathways isn’t possible. Possibly our hypothetical client would like to be able to achieve orgasm with penetration alone; if so, it’s possible to build a new neural pathway that will allow for that, although it will take some time and practice. The process of building a new neural pathway to orgasm generally involves moving between the easy, well-practiced pathway and the desired new pathway. I’ve written before about the process of building a new neural pathway to orgasm; you can check out that post here.
Stay tuned for part two, where I’ll describe the other half of my two-pronged approach to trouble-shooting orgasm issues!