Transforming a Desire Discrepancy Relationship

Humans are meaning-making creatures. We interpret, we analyze, we assume — sometimes to our detriment. In my last blog, I wrote about the meaning we make when we have different levels of desire for sex than our partners do, and I shared some strategies for interrupting negative meaning-making. This time, I’ll take a look at what an individual might be able to do to shift their part in the dynamic. 

 If there’s something you want to shift within the bounds of your relationship, I always recommend that you start by identifying a personal goal — something that’s squarely within your control. In other words, it should be…

• something you can control the outcome of, not something your partner would have to change in order to accomplish;
• something that you actually want, not something you’re doing to appease your partner. 

To take the example of desire discrepancy, let’s come up with an imaginary client. We can call him Eli. Eli is in a loving, long-term relationship with Dominic, and he’s the lower-desire partner. He can tell that Dominic is a little frustrated that it’s been so long since they had sex — but there’s just so much going on in Eli’s life that he never feels like he has the time or energy. 

Eli asks himself, “What would I like to be experiencing in this relationship, that’s different from what I’m experiencing now?” He can think of a couple ways he’d like Dominic to change — but he tries to stay focused on what he can control. 

After some reflection, Eli realizes that he’s been feeling really stressed and tapped out. He thinks back on the early days when he and Dominic were absolutely head-over-heels; he misses having the time and energy to just enjoy each other like that. Eli determines that he’d actually like to have more time and energy for sex. His goal is to find a way to create more spaciousness in his life, so that he might actually have the energy to want more physical connection with Dominic. 

Next, Eli asks himself: What thoughts, feelings, and actions would go along with this goal? 

Some helpful thoughts might include:

• “I don’t have to carry the whole of this alone. I can ask for help.”
• “I can say yes or no whenever I want; I’m in control of what happens with my body”
• “Sex doesn’t need to look a particular way to be good sex. My partner and I can be creative.”

Some helpful feelings might include:

• At ease
• Relaxed
• Open
• Playful
• Connected 

Some helpful actions might include:

• Do a time audit and figure out where your time is going. What can you drop or shift in order to give yourself more ease?
• Ask for help – have you been carrying a lot of obligations and responsibilities alone? Maybe they can be spread around a bit. 
• Pick up a mindfulness practice, or something else that fills your cup and helps manage stress.
• Get creative with your partner about how to have sexual interactions in a way that’s fun and quick without building pressure, so you can mix it up a little (for example, for a lot of people, penetration can be a lot of work, but not every sexual encounter needs to revolve around penetration).

Eli decides to do a time audit and figure out why he’s been feeling so overwhelmed. On reflection, he realizes that he’s been losing a lot of his day to scrolling on his phone, resulting in not having enough time to get through everything he needs to get done. He asks Dominic for some help with accountability around phone time. He also asks Dominic to step up a bit more with some of their shared responsibilities, so that he can have an unplugged, relaxed evening each week. 

With Eli doing so much introspection, they began to have deeper conversations about their experiences around sexuality, and started to understand one another better. Dominic hadn’t realized how stressed out Eli was, or that the stress was shutting down Eli’s sex drive; Eli hadn’t realized that Dominic was actually pretty overwhelmed too, and that he tended to turn to sex for stress relief. They found ways that they could lean on each other for support, and they both started to feel a little less maxed out. They also talk about ways they can connect sexually that would take very little effort while leaving them feeling satisfied and connected, for times when they want something but don’t have energy for everything. 

Eli finds himself with a little more energy and space, and his sex drive starts to reemerge. On top of that, Dominic is showing up for him in a new way; seeing his partner in a different light almost makes him feel like he has a fresh crush. Meanwhile, Dominic learns a lot more about Eli, and is able to take Eli’s lower desire a lot less personally, which relieves some of the pressure. Sex starts to feel much less emotionally-loaded, much easier, and more fun.

Eli experiences a transformation in his relationship that started with him making a slightly different choice. When he shifted his approach, Dominic rose to the occasion, creating a positive feedback loop. This is a very specific example, but the underlying process can be broadly applied. In any relationship, there are aspects of the dynamic that you can shift that will make a difference to your own experience of the situation, as well as your partner’s. And when you make a different choice, you invite your partner to meet you halfway. This is how relational transformation begins.

Originally published on Psychology Today.