Consent Is A Process

When we talk about consent, we often frame it as a pretty simple concept. In a sense, it is — it’s a plain truth that you need to respect a partner’s “no,” no matter what. 

But the underlying process that supports consent in a healthy relationship is a little more complex than that. First of all, before we say what we want, we have to know what we want — and that’s not always as simple as it sounds. Then, we have to take a leap of faith and communicate that to our partner, even if we think they might not like what we have to say. That’s not so easy, either — we could hurt our partner’s feelings or run up against our assumptions about what it means to be a “good” partner. The result is that oftentimes, one partner will give a surface-level “yes” – when what they’re really feeling is “heck no.” 

This is a form of self-betrayal, no less tragic for how common it is. Even though it comes from within, it still undermines the sense of safety in the relationship, which leads to compounding problems down the road. (For instance, it might lead people to push through painful sex, which almost always leads to the pain getting worse.)

In a well-functioning relationship, consent is co-created. Both partners play a role by getting in touch with what they want and don't want in the moment, expressing it honestly, and being gentle and curious about what their partner is experiencing in turn. For consent to be truly possible, you need to be able to…

• Look inside yourself and identify what you truly want, feel, believe, and prefer
• Express that honestly to your partner
• Create a soft landing place for your partner, when they express their truth to you

By the way, this is also more or less the definition of differentiation of self. Breakdowns in the consent process can happen at every level of differentiation — whether that’s not really being clear on what you want, not communicating honestly with your partner, or reacting badly when your partner communicates with you. 

So, how do these skills apply to a sexual encounter? 

• Tune in to yourself. What are you feeling? What’s working for you? What’s not working s well? 
• Stay flexible, and be prepared to pivot as you each track what you want and enjoy. 
• Be gentle with yourself and one another. If you or your partner get overwhelmed, or big emotions start coming up, that's okay. 
• What came up?
• Can you get curious? 
• Can you ask for a little break, and share what's coming up for you? 
• Focus on the connection between you, rather than on trying to achieve a specific outcome. 
• Often, we think of orgasm or penetration or some other specific activity as “the goal” of sex, and we can lose sight of our actual experience or our connection with our partner in the process. But if your goal is simply to stay close and connected while experiencing pleasure together, then it’s easy to pivot when things come up in the moment. 

No two people are just the same, and great sex involves a delicate balance of awareness. It does get easier with practice, and if you need some support, a therapist can help. 

Originally published at Psychology Today.