Introducing Durable Relationship Energy

A new way to think about long-term bonds

Have you heard the term “new relationship energy?” It’s commonly used in consensual non-monogamy (CNM) circles, and it describes the intense, heady sensations that accompany the early stages of a romantic bond. It doesn’t apply exclusively to CNM relationships, though, and it’s a very useful way to think about the specific intensity that accompanies the first few months with a new partner. You might have some personal experience with it yourself, if you’ve ever found yourself head-over-heels, staying up at all hours to spend time with your amazing new crush. 

As time goes by and challenges rack up, it’s common for people to look back with rose-colored glasses on those early relationship days, when everything felt so easy and so exciting. It’s essential that everyone understands that this is a natural and expectable relationship progression; our bodies literally can’t maintain the intensity of the new relationship energy for the long term. 

The fact is, as fun as new relationship energy can be, it also has a dark side. It’s not uncommon for people swept up in the throes of a new relationship to become a bit self-absorbed, to the cost of the other people in their lives. 

The desire to please an exciting new partner can also lead people to massage the truth a bit — to act like they love all the same things that their crush does, for instance. This is very human, but it also causes lots of problems as time goes on; if you’ve spent a lot of time trying to present the best possible face, you might be left wondering “Can I actually be my real self with this person, or do I have to keep putting on a show?”  

I want to introduce a new concept here, as an attempt to balance the scales: durable relationship energy. Durable relationship energy is the long-term counterpart to new-relationship energy. It’s what emerges over the course of years or even decades of partnership. Durable relationship energy is created through the experience of being chosen, again and again, by someone who truly, deeply knows you — the good, the bad, and the ugly. It happens when each partner is free to express themselves while feeling safe to do so. 

New relationship energy has an expiration date; durable relationship energy can last a lifetime. But, while new relationship energy inevitably ends, durable relationship energy doesn’t just happen on its own; it requires a certain amount of emotional and relational skill to build. As always, it comes back to differentiation of self, which I define as:

• The ability to identify what you feel, believe, think, and prefer
• The ability to express that to someone else
• The ability to listen when someone else expresses their feelings, beliefs, and preferences to you, even if they’re difficult for you to hear 

Differentiation of self in a long-term relationship creates a powerful combination of emotional safety and freedom to grow. Without emotional safety, a long-term relationship is a scary place to be; without freedom to grow, it becomes flat and stale. 

Differentiation of self is the magic ingredient that balances stability with excitement to create a relationship where you can feel at home with your partner while still surprising one another. Excitement requires a little bit of emotional risk — which, in turn, is enabled by the long-term sense of love, respect, acceptance, and warmth, that makes it safe enough to take a risk. In the early stages, it’s that riskiness, that uncertainty – Who is this intriguing person? Are they going to like me? Who will I be, in their eyes? — that generates new relationship energy. In a long-term relationship, the risk of differentiating can reignite that excitement, and make you feel like you’re discovering one another anew.  

The moral of the story: If you’re in a long-term relationship that’s feeling a little flat, try taking an emotional risk. Differentiate. Tell your partner something a little risky — and find the curiosity to listen with warmth and openness when they return the favor. 

Originally published on Psychology Today.