Desire discrepancy and the meaning we make of it

Have you heard the term “meaning-making?” It refers to the process by which we construct narratives out of our experiences. Meaning-making is a normal human process, and we all engage in it pretty much all the time. That said, it often leads us to some unhelpful or even dark places.

The experience of throwing up is a good illustration of this concept. Actually throwing up sucks, but it’s usually over in a moment. A lot of the misery comes from the time you spent before throwing up; you can make it a lot worse for yourself by obsessing over it, dreading it, and worrying about it.

It’s important to recognize that the meaning we make out of things is not the same as the truth. There are always many ways to interpret any situation; usually, when we’re in the weeds with meaning-making, we’re not seeing the whole picture.

Desire discrepancy is a great example of this dynamic. We make a lot of meaning out of desire discrepancy, and it’s usually negative. For instance:

• A higher desire partner’s negative meaning-making might sound like “I’m unattractive. I’m undesirable. What does it mean that my partner doesn't want what I want? My partner should do this for me! Does this mean I’ll never have sex again?”
• A lower desire partner’s negative meaning-making might sound like “I’m a bad partner. I’m broken. I’m going to be left for someone who wants more sex. It's not fair to my partner for me to say no. I should just do it. What does it mean about me that I don't want to have sex more?” etc.

That negativity comes, in part, from societal misconceptions about sex and desire. In fact, desire discrepancy is incredibly common. Most relationships have some level of desire discrepancy. Yet we put ourselves through so much suffering by making negative meaning out of something completely expectable.

I can tell you right now that any thoughts or feelings you might have along the lines of “I’m broken, I’m undesirable, there’s something wrong with me” are simply not true. Although I’m not a mind reader, and I can’t tell you for sure what your partner thinks, I can tell you from experience that people tend to assume that their partner’s feelings towards them are much more negative than they really are. We often pressure ourselves to do what our partner wants, and aren’t particularly good at discussing our differences in any depth, or checking our assumptions. But if you don’t realize you’re making assumptions, and you don’t take the time to check them, they can lead you on a downward spiral, and bring your relational dynamics along for the ride.

How meaning-making happens

• Thought leads to emotion, which leads to action
• Thought, emotion, and action all interact with sensations
• Actions, sensations and emotions all feed back into thoughts, which then leads again to emotions, sensations, and action
• This creates a self-reinforcing cycle:
  • When the thoughts, feelings, sensations, and actions are negative, it can become a vicious cycle.
  • Or, with more helpful and less catastrophic thoughts, leading to more relational actions, the sensations and feelings will likely be quieter, and you can create a positive upward spiral.

Can you see any places where you might be able to interrupt the negative meaning-making spiral? There are multiple possible entry points; you might be able to:

• Intervene at the level of thoughts:
  • Remind yourself that you’re engaged in meaning-making
  • Think of alternative ways to view the situation
  • Notice if there are consistent patterns in your negative meaning-making – is there an unhelpful story you keep telling yourself about self, partner, or future?
  • Consider: Are there assumptions you are making that you can check out?
  • List the negative thoughts that keep coming up; for each one, think of a more neutral or positive interpretation of the situation. Ask yourself: Am I sure? Could the opposite be equally or more true? Really figure out how your thought process is self-reinforcing and interrupt it.
• Intervene at the level of feelings:
  • Take a break and distract yourself with something soothing or engaging. A two-minute distraction is sufficient to break a rumination cycle – but you might have to repeat it when the rumination starts up again. This is a practice that becomes much easier with repetition, so don’t give up!
  • Move your body – go on a walk or a run, put on music and dance, put your hands in ice water, or take a hot bath. Changing your physical state will change your emotional state. This is a great place to intervene; it will shift your emotions and make it much easier to get your thoughts unstuck.
  • Let yourself get immersed in a hobby. This will require moving your body, and give you a pleasant focus. Add music or an audiobook if you also need help quieting your thoughts.
  • Call a friend who consistently lifts your spirits. Use your time together carefully; complaining about your partner will probably keep you stuck. Instead, ask for help thinking through your scripts and meaning-making, and look for opportunities to check assumptions.
• Intervene at the level of actions:
  • Think about what kinds of actions are a part of the negative loop you’re trying to shift. Examples might include having sex when you don’t want to, holding back from touch in order to avoid giving an explicit “no,” expressing annoyance in certain situations, complaining to a friend, pressuring your partner for sex even though it feels bad, etc.
  • Ask yourself what you might do instead of each of those. What are your options, hypothetically? You always have choices, and making a different choice will always shift things, either a little or a lot.
  • Challenge yourself to notice in the moment. Don’t go on autopilot; catch yourself and make an intentional choice. Experiment with different options.
  • If you feel very stuck, think through the situation in which you want to make a different choice. Visualize yourself doing something different; it will be much easier when the moment comes.

Originially published on Psychology Today.