Non-Monogamy Creates Personal Growth

As a therapist who works with consensual non-monogamy (CNM), I’ve seen it function really beautifully. I also know that it can be challenging. That’s because, in my experience, consensual non-monogamy tends to be a crucible for personal growth. By that I mean that it often pushes right up against what relationship skills you find the most challenging. 

This isn’t exclusive to CNM, of course. In any relationship, we call on our relational skills to soothe unruly emotions, to prioritize between our various commitments, to communicate honestly while still being kind and warm, and attune to the preferences of others while still respecting our own. None of us are born with all the skills we need to support lasting relationships. We have to develop them with time and practice.

But when CNM is part of the picture, more people are involved in the relationship dynamic, and more people means more different opinions; more complicated feelings; more needs and desire to balance; more decisions to make. Do you struggle with letting people down? Do you have trouble remembering and keeping track of commitments? Do you deal with feelings of being sidelined or left out? Whatever your particular relational challenges may be (and we all have them), they’re likely to surface. That can be really hard — and it can also be a beautiful opportunity to grow beyond your habitual patterns and discover new ways of relating.

On top of that, CNM means throwing a lot of the assumptions that come with monogamous relationships out the window. What does fidelity mean to you? Primacy? Intimacy? What’s important for you to know about your partner’s other partners, and what would you rather they kept to themselves? (By the way, monogamous people often don’t have these kinds of conversations, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re on the same page — which sometimes becomes a problem when, for instance, it turns out one partner considers watching erotica cheating and the other doesn’t.)  

CNM calls on us to think through our relationship commitments more deeply. It’s more work, but the reward is creating something that’s truly tailored to you and the people you love — and that’s a beautiful thing, as far as I’m concerned. If you’re someone who highly values personal growth, you can learn a lot about yourself and your partner(s), and find yourself much stronger through the process.

A final note: unfortunately, being in a CNM partnership also means that having fewer resources to turn to if things go wrong. For instance if a non-monogamous person isn’t out to their friends and family about your relationship structure, they can’t get that support when they struggle. Finding a good therapist or coach who’s well-versed in non-monogamy can be tough, too. And whatever problems they’re facing, it’s likely that people will attribute them to “being non-monogamous” rather than recognizing that practically everyone has occasional struggles in their relationship, no matter how it’s structured.

One of my personal commitments as a therapist and an educator is creating resources to help fill that gap for non-monogamous people. If you’re considering moving towards non-monogamy, I have a guide that will help you get a strong start navigating the most important conversations you need to have along the way. It’s called 8 Steps to Opening Up and you can find it here.

Originally published on Psychology Today.