Making A Good Repair, Part Two: Five Steps For Speaking To Your PartnerNov 22, 2020
In the first of this series, I described the internal steps you can take to prepare yourself for making a repair in your relationship. Once you’ve taken those steps, the next project is actually sitting down with your partner and having a tough conversation. This is where the rubber meets the road in terms of making your repair.
Anyone can say a quick and half-hearted “I’m sorry,” but if you want to make a repair that lasts, it’s worth taking the time to do it well. A good repair can go beyond fixing the problem; it can lead to a new level of intimacy and trust between you and your partner.
In this second blog post, I’ll be describing the steps you can take in conversation with your partner to help you address what went wrong, understand your partner more deeply, and set yourself up for a strong and lasting repair.
- Access curiosity about your partner’s experience. This part is not optional, and it is the part that usually isn’t done sufficiently deeply to facilitate healing. Your goal here should be to understand your partner’s perspective well enough that you really get how this was so hard for them. You want to be able to rephrase what they say, and have them let you know what you missed. Ultimately, you want to get it so right that your partner agrees that you understand how they feel. The key here is that you want to go deeper than the facts of what happened; you want to know how your partner perceived what happened. What is their perspective on it? What about it was hard? How did they interpret the situation? How would they have preferred you to handle this situation, and why? It can be challenging to stay grounded and steady while you hear your partner share in-depth about how they were hurt by something you did (or didn’t do). Keep your feet on the ground, breathe steadily, and maintain your curious attitude. Focus entirely on putting yourself in your partner’s shoes. This isn’t the moment to try and explain your viewpoint, tell your partner their perspective is wrong, or patch things up with a quick apology. The deeper you’re able to dig into this conversation, the more likely you are to be able to make a strong and lasting repair. Stay with the conversation until you have a feeling of “Oh, of course! Knowing you as I now do, It makes perfect sense that you felt that way.” Note: this is NOT the same as agreeing, nor is it the same as coming up with action steps. All you are doing is understanding your partner far better than you did before. That’s all.
- Show empathy. Now that you’ve gained a deeper understanding of your partner’s experience, this is the moment to show your compassion: “Oh!! I see now”. When it goes well, it sounds something like this: “I now understand that when I did (x), this is what happened for you (description of your partner’s internal experience in depth). I see how you felt (x), and it makes total sense to me that you would feel that way, given the combination of what I did, and what it meant to you.” This is easier for some people than others, and it’s easier in some situations than others. Don’t lie. If you don’t feel it, don’t pretend. Instead, go back to step 1 and try again to really understand your partner. Making a good repair is tough, and it wouldn’t be surprising if you need the help of a coach or therapist.
- Apologize. Explain to your partner why you are sorry. Focus on their experience, and resist the impulse to explain your perspective. It will be much better if you save your point of view for later.
- Explain what you plan to do differently in the future (if anything). The “if anything” is important here; if you make an agreement now that you can’t or don’t want to follow through on, all the work you’ve put into making a good repair will be for nothing, and the next conversation you have will be even harder. This is not a moment for appeasement. This is a moment to be very, very honest about what you think, and what you intend to do, even if it’s not exactly what your partner wants to hear.
- If you do intend to behave differently in the future, be very specific and very honest about how you intend to handle future situations. This should go beyond “It was a mistake, and it won’t happen again.” Exactly what happened, step-by-step? What were the individual moments in which you made a choice, and how might you make those choices now? Why is it important to you to change the way you handle similar situations, if that’s what you intend to do?
- If you don’t feel like there’s anything you want to change in handling future similar situations, you will have to say so now. If that is the case, can you help your partner understand your perspective without getting defensive? An impasse at this point is another great opportunity to find a therapist or coach; that’s a far better strategy than sweeping it under the rug with a blithe but empty promise.
- If you’ve expressed a plan to act differently in the future, acknowledge that your partner might have some doubts about your ability to follow through effectively with your plan. This is a concept that comes from Pete Pearson, whose mentorship has strongly influenced my practice. It will probably be hard for your partner to believe that your actions will really change just as a result of one conversation. You can take responsibility for your choices while demonstrating real empathy for your partner’s position by acknowledging that they may be wary to trust you–especially if recurring dishonesty has been an element of the problem. It takes a lot of strength to acknowledge that your partner may have legitimate doubts about your follow-through, but by doing so, you’ll be showing them that you’re paying attention, you care, and you don’t plan to sweep this under the rug. Taking responsibility for your choices and actions is the underlying concept in a good repair, and will go a long way to strengthening your relationship.