Thank you for joining me for “Tough Cases.” As you probably know, I specialize in training therapists to be highly effective working with desire discrepancy, and to that end I’ve created a series that focuses on some specific and very challenging presentations. In this series, you’ll gain serious practical skills working with issues like sex pain, pressure for sex, porn use, and more. It will culminate with a free webinar on working effectively with higher-desire partners, so don’t forget to mark your calendar for Friday, March 3rd, at 1 pm CST.

We’ve arrived at the fourth installment in my Tough Cases series on desire discrepancy, and the funny thing is, so far in this series, I haven’t actually written about low desire as such.

That’s because what your client thinks of as low desire is hardly ever really a lack of desire. Much more commonly it is actually something else–like sex pain or pressure for sex–preventing desire from thriving. Desire never blooms in the presence of those issues, so I wouldn’t consider those cases to be about low desire until the pressure and pain have cleared up and it is possible to see what emerges.

But sometimes there’s something else going on. Sometimes the client wants to experience more desire, does not experience sex pain, and doesn’t feel particularly pressured to have sex. They just have lower desire than they want to.

What Is Desire, Anyway? 

It is easy to think of desire as something that happens to us, rather than something we nurture and choose for ourselves. But in reality, desire for sex is not that different from any other kind of desire. Sometimes it is inspired by something outside of ourselves, but it is also something we choose, with or without a strong external circumstance beckoning us forward.

We have a lot more control over our desire than we may think, although not necessarily in the ways we would like. We can shut desire off, intentionally or unintentionally. We can develop a habit of shutting off desire. We can also find ourselves in circumstances that aren’t particularly conducive to desire, like extreme busy-ness, homeschooling several children in a pandemic, or caring for a newborn.

Think of desire as an internal pull to move toward something pleasant. This requires:

• being aware of what is going on internally 
• having the ability to identify an internal pull 
• being able to move toward something pleasant on purpose
• sustaining the pleasant experience and letting it soak in. 

If we want desire to bloom we need to learn how to create an environment that makes desire possible. We need to learn how to nurture it rather than shutting it off. We also need to learn to find it rather than waiting for it to find us.

Desire is also something that reflects and projects well. When we desire someone, they are more likely to desire us back. If we actively appreciate someone’s beauty and fine qualities, they are more likely to show us their beauty and nurture and share their finest qualities.

Contributors to low desire

Here’s what I look for: 

• Ambient stress. Anxiety, burnout, and overwhelm can inhibit desire. When your client’s mind is constantly running through a checklist of what they have to do next, they can’t relax and ease into a headspace that is conducive to a pleasurable encounter. 
• Lack of embodiment. Some people find it difficult to slow down and notice, not to mention enjoy, their bodily sensations. Without the ability to settle into bodily sensations and awareness it is difficult to experience desire
• An empty well. Lots of things compete for our time and attention, and if our own pleasure, relaxation, and enjoyment of life are taking the back seat to responsibilities and stress, desire is unlikely to have room to emerge. Sexual desire is part of a package with general zest for life. If your client isn’t feeling desire for much of anything at all, it’s no wonder they’re not feeling desire for sex. 
• Shifts in physiology, extreme or chronic stress, and/or life stage. Big changes in life can affect desire. That includes physiological changes, like hormonal shifts, chronic illness, childbirth, or aging; stress; and life stage changes that involve changing roles and shifting emotions. If you think your client would benefit from a medical evaluation, I recommend seeking out a functional or integrative medicine specialist, while continuing to tackle the other aspects of the case using the angles I describe here. 

Clinical steps: an array of approaches

• Assess where their energy is going. Either in session or as homework, have your client make an inventory of the things that are making demands on their time and energy. I like to do this in pie chart format. This opens awareness of any imbalance in priorities, while opening a discussion about any changes the client might want to make in this area. It often results in an ‘aha’ moment that of course they aren’t feeling super sexy right now! Just taking the pressure off can really help. Not every season is a sexy season.
• Brainstorm joyful things. I often suggest making a list of 30 or more things that sound like fun. I encourage people to be very creative and playful with this assignment, and often start it in session if they tend to take things too seriously. We’re looking for all kinds of ideas: things that take just a little time, things that take more time, things that cost nothing, and things that cost something. It is important not to edit out anything, and just let ridiculous or playful ideas come. This is a great way to get in touch with what might feel juicy.
• Try the happiness project. I’ll go into more depth below, but this intervention encompasses mindfulness and embodiment, as well as rewiring habitual stress responses into something more life-affirming. 

The Happiness Project

This is one of my favorite interventions. It requires little energy, fits neatly into a packed schedule, and can make a huge difference in your client’s sense of fulfillment and pleasure on a daily basis. It’s based on the observation that, while we tend to marinate thoroughly in our negative emotions, we usually don’t spend much time relishing the positive ones.

I first undertook my own happiness project perhaps 20 years ago, and have shared it with many others. I decided that I would make a commitment to deeply noticing and enjoying my positive sensations–including the smallest moments of pleasure, like a sunbeam hitting my cheek–and see what happened. I was surprised by how powerful this little project turned out to be; there’s a reason I’ve been using it for the past two decades!

The goal is:

• To notice a neutral to positive emotion or sensation–“ah, that’s nice!”
• To expand your moment of pleasure (or neutrality, if that’s all that’s available right now) for as long as possible. Rather than moving on to the next thought, sit with that feeling. Try and make it 10 seconds long, then 15, then 30–and longer, if you can! 
• To drop into the body rather than staying in the mind. Notice sensations and get comfortable there, rather than popping right up into thinking and dashing off to the next stressful thought.

Here are some ideas for small pleasures your clients might choose to attend to: 

• The sensation of stepping into a hot shower or bath
• The smell of fresh air
• The feeling of a pet cuddled up next to you
• Suds and warm water on your hands when doing the dishes
• The smell of dinner cooking
• The sound of rain falling
• The feeling of taking a deep, slow breath
• The beauty of a favorite blanket, item of clothing, or vase of flowers
• The sensation of pulling on cozy socks 
• The taste of the first bite of a piece of fruit, favorite food or sip of a beverage
• The feeling of stretching a tight muscle
• The sound of a beautiful piece of music

Brainstorm a bit with your client and learn what experiences or sensations already tend to give them a fleeting “ah, that’s nice.” Look for simple pleasures, or even neutral moments. They can start there, expanding those sensations, and trying to attune themselves to other pleasurable moments that they may not be as aware of yet. From there, they might choose to create positive moments for themselves.

Consider the example of music. Music can evoke very powerful emotions, and it’s something that you can intentionally choose to experience. Selecting a piece of music that evokes joy, pleasure, desire, or longing might be an interesting experiment in embodiment and rich sensate experience. Really dropping into multiple senses in a deep and full way is great for zestiness in life, so get creative! See what happens when your client starts feeling empowered to choose joy, pleasure, and embodiment for themselves.